You’ve seen books about suffering, but it’s not likely you’ve seen many about how to help those who are suffering.
Hi, I’m Fred Zaspel, editor here at Books At a Glance, and that’s our topic for today. We’re talking to Dave Furman, author of the book, Being There: How to Love Those Who are Hurting.
Dave, welcome – and thanks for talking to us today.
Dave Furman:
Fred, it’s great to be here. Thanks for having me on.
Zaspel:
First, if you would just introduce yourself. Where are you, and what is the ministry you’re involved in.
Furman:
I live in the Middle East. Actually on the Arabian Peninsula, in Dubai, in the country of the United Arab Emirates. My wife Gloria and our four children and I have lived here for almost nine years. We came here to plant a church in the center of the city which in God’s kindness was almost exactly 7 years ago. Redeemer Church of Dubai launched in the downtown portion of the city, and since then we have seen the church grow. We have over 50 or 60 different nationalities that gather every single week for worship and then scattered throughout the week to tell people about the risen Savior. I serve the church now as senior pastor and we hope to see more churches planted in that region in the coming days.
Zaspel:
Let’s begin with where this books really begins. You needn’t go into detail, but can you tell us about your own circumstances that brought you to write this book.
Furman:
I mentioned that I am a pastor and we serve here and that’s really one side of our story. On the other side of our story is that Gloria and I have faced tremendous trials along the way connected to a disability that I have. Really connected to a nerve disorder that started about 10 or 11 years ago. I was typing one day and noticed that I could hardly control the little fingers on my right hand anymore. That led us to go for testing and further deterioration of my strength. I had developed a couple of different nerve disorders, diseases, that from the beginning ravaged my ulnar nerve, which is the nerve that connects your pinky and ring finger bilaterally. So, in both of my arms, I lost strength. I had a major surgery before we moved here a decade ago, and that surgery seemed successful. But we moved, and about two months into our ministry here, I was driving one day late in the evening. My wife had gone in to do some late-night shopping and while she was gone, I couldn’t find a parking space and I would turn the wheel of our SUV and my strength just went and this mind-numbing lightning bolt of pain rushed through both of my arms and Gloria came back to the car and I’m in tears. And that led us into a real downward spiral. I developed pretty soon, painful bumps and boils on my fingers from the nerve endings. I couldn’t touch anything, I couldn’t lift anything, I couldn’t eat with a metal fork or pick up a glass of water or open a door. I could hardly do anything. I couldn’t even write. And that led me into a dark depression. I remember some nights I would be pacing the floor of our bedroom just distraught, without much hope, and the dark nights of the soul took over and that led us into months of pain and trial.
But what I noticed out of that experience and in the days that followed, I realized, specifically after depression had passed, in God’s kindness and the clouds of darkness moved off and I was able to look back at that year and half period before we launched the church, I realized that while my pain and my suffering affected me, it also affected all of the people around me. And I saw what he did to my wife, and in some ways, to my baby daughter as well. But I saw how my wife was there with me, literally, while I was pacing the floor those nights. But for her, she was affected and distraught and discouraged, wondering if she was ever going to get her husband back. And I realized that my pain affected my wife, it affected, later on, my fellow church staff and church members who have to care for a disabled pastor. That there’s things I can’t do on my own and even for my children – they don’t have a dad who can pick them up.
And I thought about those things over time and the Lord led me to write this book to help spouses and parents and children and siblings and neighbors and friends who all have hurting people in their lives. All of us have hurting people. So I wrote this in order to give some help from someone who’s been there and how do we care for the hurting people in our lives. And all of us need encouragement in that way.
Zaspel:
I can say pastorally that this is a subject that has desperately needed attention – and I don’t mean that just for the people of the church at large either. It’s an area where pastors also – perhaps especially – need some counsel. We can’t ask you to repeat your whole book here, but let’s take a few sample steps, beginning with the title – Being There. That has massive implications. Can you address this just generally?
Furman:
Yes, the title does say a lot, and the cover of the book says a lot too. We have the title, Being There, and then below it, you have two chairs and one chair is missing a couple of legs and is leaning on the other chair, showing this picture of one chair being there for another or, obviously, in our world, one person being there for another person. That’s what I mean, it’s really bearing each other’s burdens. And that’s what the book is about; and that’s what we as Christians are called to do. It’s that we are there for one another. It’s called being a friend. It’s called being a presence. So, really, at a bottom level, what the writing is about, is how can we as one Christian be there for another Christian in their times of trial, in their times of pain and their times of mourning? I say the very first thing is just to be there – to not flee, to not disengage because you don’t know what to say, or you’re worried you might say the wrong thing, or to assume someone else is going to bear that burden, and to not engage because there’s a whole church out there. But for each of us as Christians, to look around our lives, look around our neighbors, our coworkers, our fellow church members, our family members. Who are the people in our lives that we need to bear a burden for? And so that’s really at a baseline level, the first thing I would say in how to care for the hurting is – be there. Just show up.
Zaspel:
The idea of serving and service obviously plays a big role in your book. Talk to us about serving those who suffer.
Furman:
Yes, there’s lots to do as people suffer and people struggle through pain. One of the ways I think about is being a good listener. Often times we come forward with our advice, we want to play the fix-it man, fix-it person, we want to come up with solutions to their problems. I think one of the best ways we can serve the hurting is to listen. To ask them questions, and let them talk. I think it also means serving in lowly ways. Not just helping in a way that helps you or makes you look good or is easy. An example would be just giving someone a ride to where you’re already going. Well, that’s good to do, but are there ways that we could serve someone in unlikely ways or in lowly ways or in difficult ways or in cross-cultural ways, across gender lines, across occupational lines, across economic lines. Looking for people in your life who may be the world would say would never help another person, but you do it. You serve in unexpected ways.
I think another way is you would consider serving people who might be difficult to serve, people that might not give you anything back, people that are not going to contribute in any way for you, but to bridge that gap and run to them.
Zaspel:
In your book, you also address the idea of serving with words. I’ve often felt I need help on this score. And I think most of us probably find ourselves at a loss for the right words when talking to a friend in suffering. How can we help someone by talking? And you might want here also to address the occasional need for difficult conversations with those who suffer.
Furman:
Good questions. That would be something that I would add to what I just mentioned in terms of serving. I think we can look for specific ways that we can speak truth into someone’s life. I think one thing we don’t want to do is, we don’t want to worry about finding the perfect words. I think we are tempted to maybe look for saying just the right thing that’s going to help someone. I think more importantly would be to look for opportunities to speak gospel truth to someone. If they are a believer, to remind them that while God is holy and we have sinned, that Jesus Christ, their Savior, has died on the cross to take their full penalty for their sin. To take the full wrath of God upon himself for them. And I think we want to look for ways to remind them of the gospel truth. Not in such a way that we’re trying to put gospel Band-Aids on them, just slapping them on the person, but in a real, tenderhearted, meaningful way, to remind them of the good news. And we do that because we don’t move on from the good news to some more advanced news. The good news is the best news. The gospel is the best news. We don’t look for a prescription of words that will better heal the brokenhearted. We want to point people to the gospel in the right time, and in a tenderhearted way. I think we can do that as well as pointing people to other Scripture passages as well as to point people to hope. We can do that through spoken word, through a phone call, through a text message, through a handwritten note. We need to look for creative ways to inject hope into people’s hearts. Fred, you mentioned difficult conversations. They are going to happen. Because when people struggle, when people go through trials, their sin is going to be oftentimes on display. It happens because – not because the circumstances are the cause of our sin, but circumstances, specifically difficult ones, are going to draw that sin out that’s already in our hearts. And so, for me, in that year and a half of depression and severe pain, there were times that I was angry and impatient. I didn’t know I had an anger problem. I didn’t know I was impatient but I found out pretty quickly that I was. And I had two really good friends, Brady and Amber, these friends that were serving in the region with us, who actually rebuked me. They actually sat me and Gloria down and said, “Dave, if you continue to go in this pattern of sin, your marriage is going to end in disaster, your ministry is going to end in disaster if you don’t repent and understand that you are an impatient and angry man.” And I had – I had blamed my circumstances. I had blamed even God in some ways. I was angry with every aspect of my life. And those friends did it in a tender way. They did it in a sensitive way. They did it in a gracious, kind, but yet direct way, and the Lord used it for me to see my sin. So there will be times when you care for the hurting when you have to in gracious ways, not like Job’s friends, who are blaming Job’s circumstances and saying it was his sin and saying certain things that perhaps weren’t true, but you want to go in and, in a tenderhearted, loving way, speak truth into people’s hearts.
Zaspel:
That would be a particularly difficult, I think, dealing with someone in suffering, and yet, it is not insensitive is it? It is something that is very needed because the one in suffering this is going to make his suffering worse and you are actually helping at that point, I guess, right?
Furman:
You are. You certainly want to be careful. We all know stories of people like Job’s friends, who are going in harshly and with accusations and finger-pointing. So in many ways we could say, well, Job’s friends were great until they open their mouths. Right? That first week, and they were wonderful. They were quiet. They were weeping with Job. And then they open their mouths and said insensitive things. And so we want to be good listeners. We want, also, at the right time, to point people to gospel truth, but then, thirdly, we do want to rebuke, gently, at the proper time and in a sensitive way, because, not to do that – not to do that is actually unloving.
Zaspel:
And what about the simple, “I’m praying for you”? How might we improve on that?
Furman:
We do all say that. I’ve tried to stop saying that unless I’ve prayed for them already and specifically, with them. I think one way we can specifically improve is just to go ahead and pray for that person in their presence. Or, even ending a phone conversation in prayer. I end most of my phone conversations, specifically if they are off any depth and we’re actually catching up or talking through a situation, I’ll end the conversation by praying for them or even both of us praying for one another.
Also, I will often email someone and let them know I just prayed for them and give them the contents of the prayer. Our staff does that here at our church. We pray as a staff through our membership directory and will email the people we prayed for to let them know what we prayed for. Sometimes I’ll text someone and let them know I’m thinking of them. And people do that for me. I have an email file on my computer that’s filled with encouraging emails that I come back to. And there’s something wonderful about going to prayer with another individual. So if you’re in person, or on the phone, there’s something special about that hurting person hearing you petition the Lord on their behalf. It’s a really sweet moment. But even if you can’t, like you said, you can write them emails, you can text them. Let them know that you’re thinking about them even if you don’t hear much back. Even if they don’t give you much feedback, I can guarantee that it would be of some encouragement and blessing to them.
Zaspel:
Okay, talk to us pastors – and I guess church members also, but mainly pastors – what should we not do? What should we not say?
Furman:
That’s a big question. Lots of things come to mind. We certainly don’t want to belittle someone in their pain or make them feel like their pain doesn’t matter. We don’t want to do what I would call the comparison game. Someone comes to you with a leg injury, and they’re going through a difficult time. Probably what you want to refrain from saying is, “well, there are people around the world that have no legs. At least you still have your legs.” The words, at least, are probably not helpful. “At least, your grandmother died when she was older.” Well, how are those phrases going to help you in the moment? You still have leg pain, your grandmother still passed away. So, phrases like at least, or phrases like it’s not as bad as the time when I went through (blank), that’s not helpful either. When someone’s going through pain, it’s their pain, whether it’s their child who passed away, or whether they broke their arm, or whether they lost their job or whether their cat died. If they’re going to pain in that moment they are struggling. It’s not helpful for us as pastors or as members to start looking at our past and talking about our experience or comparing it or trying to make them feel better. Better than that – just point them to Jesus. Point them to Christ and the fact that he cares for them in their pain. And listen, and ask questions.
Another thing I mentioned already, is, don’t be the fix-it person. Rather than giving them the next medical treatment that you’re guaranteeing will heal them, that no one else knows about, but on the Internet, there’s a new medicine out, or a new faith healer. Just point them, again, to the hope that they have in Jesus. I know sometimes as pastors, we just want to fix people, and I think it’s better to stay away from that.
One more, big thing that comes to mind is that we need to be careful not to promise deliverance now. We want to give hope, and people oftentimes will come up to me and say, “oh, pastor, because you’re a pastor and you love Jesus and you know God and you have so much faith, God will heal you.” We hear that kind of teaching from prosperity doctrine, prosperity gospel. Preachers who say you can have your health, wealth, now on this earth if you just have enough faith. But those preachers are wrong. Now they’re right, in the sense that if you’re a Christian, one day, in heaven, there will be no more tears and no more pain, and will be face-to-face with Jesus forever, but that’s not promised here on earth. It’s not. There might be pain – there will be pain for some. There will be struggles and there would be death and I think what we promise deliverance now, we tell people that they will be healed now, we set them up for further discouragement. So instead, point them to a future hope that they have in Christ. Point them to that time when death will be dead, where cancer will be crushed, where pain will be done away with, where tears will be dried up and all disease will be passed away. Point them to that day. Point them to God’s faithfulness in the past in sending Christ to die for them, to God’s faithfulness in the future, that he will come back. And that should encourage them that God will indeed be faithful to them in the present, in their struggle and in their affliction even now.
One last thing I would say, even in addition to that, is – let people grieve their pain. Don’t encourage them to just move on… as if their pain is something small. So that connects to what I really said earlier. Let them grieve, let them struggle, let them be in pain and try to come alongside them in that, in being a good listener and helping, and pointing them to Jesus. Those are a few things – there’s more, but I think those are a few things to get us started.
Zaspel:
One thing we all say. We all tend to say it, and we say it out of genuine concern is, when someone is suffering, we go up and we ask, “how are you doing?” And I learned in my own suffering, when our daughter died, just how particularly unhelpful that is. On the one hand, you want to say, “well, how do you think I’m doing? My daughter is gone.” And on the other hand, I realize that they are being very concerned and they would like to know. But I remember how much more helpful it was, when friends would come to me and they say something like, “Fred, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I just want you to know that we’ve been praying that God will give you encouragement,” or something like that, rather than asking me to report how I’m doing.
Furman:
Yes, I think you’re right. I think that’s brilliant, because when you put it so vague, like, “how are you doing?” Yeah, of course, I’m doing bad. I’m doing horribly. Maybe ask more specifically, “how are you doing with your grieving, today?” Narrowing it. Assuming they’re having a hard time, but asking, “how are you walking with the Lord this week?” It gives something more tangible because, for the hurting person, how are they supposed to quantify, in general, how they are doing or even more specifically, like you phrased it. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, it must be a really tough season. Help me to understand how you’re feeling today,” or something more specific, letting them know that you know it’s a tough time but you care more than just the obligatory, “how are you?” I think that’s wise.
Zaspel:
How might we better cultivate a compassionate heart to be there for those who suffer? What biblical or theological considerations should we give attention to?
Furman:
Lots of things. I just say one thing, rather broadly, but I think that’s often forgotten, it might seem like common sense even, but I would say this – if you’re helping the hurting or wanting to help the hurting, if you are not walking with the Lord, you’ve got nothing to give others. You’ve got nothing to give those that are hurting, if you’re trying to do it in your own strength. Eventually you’ll be like a dry sponge trying to satisfy the thirst of the hurting without anything to give.
Bottom line – I would say, how do you better cultivate a compassionate heart? Walk with Jesus. Feed your own soul with God’s word. Feed your own soul in praying and talking to God. Be in fellowship with other believers. Be in a gospel preaching church. Be a meaningful member of the congregation where iron is sharpening iron and you are bearing each other’s burdens. Read good solid books that are going to point you to the cross of Christ. Listen to good talks or sermons and take advantage of whatever your church has to offer. Be in discipling relationships. Share your faith. I guess what I’m saying is, be a healthy, church-going Christian. And that will put you in a good position to have a compassionate heart to be there for those who are suffering. I’ve seen way too many people on their own strength try to care for the hurting and you’re going to fail eventually. Eventually you will be distraught and you will be discouraged and you will be worn out. You need Jesus.
Zaspel:
Do you have some counsel for the church corporately, or perhaps its leadership, as to how the church collectively might take steps to improve?
Furman:
Great question. I think that’s where it almost needs to start, is in our local congregations in bearing each other’s burdens. One thing you could do, is the members could have access to a picture membership directory. One thing we do is we encourage our members to pray regularly, even pray every day, maybe take a page of your membership directory and pray. And maybe pray through the directory or even memorize names and faces in your directory. It’s going to, hopefully, build a culture of people knowing each other that will lead to a culture of care. You get to know one another, you see each other on Sunday morning, and you can strike up conversations more easily. That’s one way.
I think another way is for the leadership staff and elders themselves to pray regularly for the members and be emailing them or calling them to see how they’re doing, to follow up on prayer requests. And in member meetings, the leadership could share about specifically hurting people. We’ve had three members struggling with cancer recently, so we’ve let our members know about them. We’ve prayed for them. We ask our people to specifically care for those struggling with cancer and other sicknesses. You can pray for people publicly in your services. We have a prayer of petition, known as a pastoral prayer in our services where we will, at times, pray for those hurting, so that alerts our congregation both to those people, but also to the fact that there are hurting people in your midst.
I think pastors can also preach and can give specific application for those struggling in the church in different ways and encourage them to get help and to make known their pain. Those are a few things.
I think the last thing I would say is that for the elders in the congregation to model it. For elders to be personally caring for the hurting, themselves and modeling what we want to see for the rest of the members. Ultimately, we want to see an every-member ministry in our church, an every-member culture of care rise up in our congregations. I think our elders not only need to talk the talk, but we need to walk the walk ourselves. Recently I had an elder and his wife in our church stay up with another hurting couple in our church until 4:00 a.m. This elder is an incredible shepherd, I mean busy, busy, busy with work, but shepherds in such a way that he spends himself in ministry till 4:00 a.m. really walking alongside this hurting couple. And I think when we start modeling that as elders, Lord willing, our members are going to follow suit.
Zaspel:
We’re talking to Dave Furman, author of Being There: How to Love Those Who are Hurting. It’s not every day you find a book like this, but the need for it is immense. Get a copy for your church library and for each of your deacons. God help us to learn, practically, how to Be There for those who are hurting – for their sakes, for our sakes, and for the glory of God.
Dave, thanks so much for this needed counsel, and thanks for talking to us today.
Furman:
Thank you, Fred, it was a joy to be with you.
